Updated: Sep 23, 2020
I am not sure if I was always this insecure. But, ever since I was a child, I was always reminded about my weight. As I grew up, these insecurities grew with me.
“Everybody’s body is different”, is something that people often tell me, except they don’t mean it. Acceptance is very far away in a world that stereotypes and expects only the ideal body type, nothing less, nothing more.
When my relatives would get married, my cousins would be chosen as the flower girls, not me because they were and are indeed beautiful and I suppose ideal too.
My parents reminded me of the importance of being healthy when my relatives told me that I was fat and somehow the word “fat” stuck on in my mind like a leech.
Since I would grow out of my clothes, my mother would get me a size that was twice bigger than my actual size to save money. Growing up, I always wore clothes that were always bigger than me. It saved money and hid how “big” I was.
I always looked at people around me with admiration, all the beautiful clothes that fit on their bodies perfectly.
When I was in the 7th standard, I somehow started losing weight. I was jumping around with joy. I would look at my collar bones in the mirror but despite that, I still felt fat. Few years
down the lane, there were constant fluctuations in my weight. I started gaining and losing weight.
I would make myself puke after having meals and skip meals.
Words have power. I have been carrying with me, all those words that were uttered to me since my childhood. I have gained weight and now, I hate looking at mirrors or finding myself in pictures. I find it extremely hard to look beyond my weight everywhere. I despise going out.
Every time someone compliments me, I refuse to accept it.
Diets and exercises have not done me much good either. There have been days when I have
starved myself or have eaten only one meal. It is no longer about being healthy but about losing weight.
I have not been able to love myself and I wonder if I will ever be able to. It is hard to exist without giving some love to yourself.
I wish instead of starting every conversation with “You have gained weight”, someone told me that it was okay to be myself and that I was loved and beautiful for who I was back when I was a child.