Trying To be the One
Story by Jahnavi
I entered high school, which was the most fascinating thing I thought would be in my future as a kid. Never did I know that the load of studies would drain me both mentally and physically. Working hard was the new me during this phase of life. Having a family that just told me to focus on my studies did not make it easier.
I had a hard time mixing up with the crowd-that one popular group. Sitting in class and looking out of the window, I could see all my friends playing and having fun. The thoughts of "why do I not get enough marks even after studying so much" kept revolving in my tiny brain.
I finally decided to join the 'popular group' that I always wanted to get in . The exposure was absolutely different. I went with the flow, so much that I got involved in every other activity, other than studies. I started to enjoy sitting in the last bench and became less attentive in class. I made my social media accounts and saw a lot of my friends going for parties and night outs. I also started bunking lectures.
Following the line “be a Roman in Rome”. I ended up changing my behavioural traits to be socially accepted, not realising that I was losing the real me.
Undoubtedly, my marks went down and I faced a lot of anxiety by the end of the year. I was subjected to face a lot of questions by my family, relatives as well as the group I so wanted to be a part of.
Standing all alone yet again, I was unable to answer even a single question. This was my 10th grade and I went into this phase of life, questioning my existence.
I was in depression when I did not know what depression was. The only thing my parents wanted me to do, was to study but I could not meet their expectations.
Considering the fact that I never attended lectures, it was pretty obvious that school time never meant education for me.
For a girl who never came out of Disney and had to act like she understood Marvel; the journey from sitting in a corner of the classroom and eating her lunchbox to going to the canteen in huge groups to eat spring rolls changed her childhood.
In my subconscious mind, I was living in the misconception of the ideal human all the while. I kept the toppers as my ideals and ended up walking, talking and being like them. It reached to such an extent that I changed my handwriting, thinking that I may turn out to be like them.
Being noticed and accepted was the only urge I had to live.
Hitting my 11th grade, I finally realised that I did mess up my life. I changed my school and started all over again. The next two years I found a decent group of friends. With time I realised what is good and bad for me. I cleared my board exams with decent marks and even cleared all the entrance exams of all the top colleges which the so-called toppers wanted to get in but never did so.
A young girl who wanted to be socially accepted finally realised that, to be the best, she has to be her own self. I started believing in myself. Now when I look down upon the past years, I feel strong, proud and most importantly happy.
To be part of a group, one should never change themselves. If they have to, the group is not good enough to be a part of. In the process of growing, one should never lose their own self. Live, love and laugh. Most importantly be you.