Updated: Jun 27, 2021
Story by Anonymous
One exceptional quality about waves in a sea is how they represent transient life forms with an everlasting change with each flow, yet they seem to dissipate the same force or vitality.
Life for me has somewhat been the same. Life post-board examinations came up with its joys and euphoria, but these surely were complemented with harsh and brutally honest faces school life held for me. I have always been an extroverted person who loves being surrounded by friends. That's what life has been for me before school ended. Such an emotional burst for an 18-year-old school-going isn’t something new, most of us experience it, don't we?
Every conversation with friends or a small dialogue with people around would further instill in me feelings of worthlessness, self-doubt and pity. This was making me overly conscious of everything I said while being with them. It wasn’t a voluntary choice that made me a certain way but the fear of being left out if I do not let myself be the center of their jokes and bullies. There were days when my disappointed eyes would look for someone who stood up for me, but as time passed, so did the expectations pass by.
All these things might seem inherent in nonchalant friend circles, but for me, they weren’t a joke. They surely were juggling with my sanity, peace, confidence, and self-esteem. Survival within a group was getting difficult and with each passing day, my sanity was found in secluded corners of solitude. That is when the need to discover a new self was my dire need. It was quite hard for me to understand how this discovery would come to me and it took me a great time to understand that my own company was therapeutic to me. Sitting alone seemed more enhancing than being laughed upon by acquainted strangers.
I was constantly trying to make my presence sufficient. Drawing, Painting, and Exercising were my healthy escape mechanisms. Not meeting anyone was a better alternative than having fake companies. My breakup added more to my unstable being as I not only lost a boyfriend but also a great friend. Quite unexpected this break up was, but so were most of my life happenings.
Quite vividly I recollect the day when I opened up about all this to my brother. He wasn’t physically close to me but he surely instilled the zeal and desire to rise and shine. Writing journals, drafting blogs, playing the Guitar and Drawing now weren’t my escape mechanisms but rather were things I wanted to be associated with as they understood me better than most humans around me could. And with this came the realisation that life wasn’t the same as before, but I wasn’t crying to bed every day, nor was I overthinking.
That's how I, Samridhi Khanna trace my lockdown trajectory about discovering myself, my true self who wasn’t defined by people around but what was held within. Discovery never comes easy, but it's always worth the time, effort and scrutiny, as it makes us decipher a better-evolved self of us.