Tarnished Childhood

My hands shake while I type this down, but I know I had to do it someday.

I was five and had gone to my relative’s home for holidays. My cousin was seven years elder to me. He was one of the most fun siblings I had ever met. One afternoon he asked me to play a new game and I had to be nude. I was hesitant but I agreed. First he touched my genital and started to play with it and later asked me to do the same. I won’t elaborate on what happened later, but let’s say third base and sodomy happened. We both did it to each other. I slept while I was being sodomised. It became a routine for the next seven days until my school started. It should have been the only dark memory of my childhood. But it happened again.

One day, my mom and her friend decided to go for shopping but I stayed back at their home. So I and their boy, 8 and 16 years old respectively, were watching TV until I slept. A little later I woke up to find him forcing himself upon me. This time I did understand what was happening but I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t able to think so I acted as if I was still sleeping. I still don’t know why I did that but I should have stopped him right there. After he finished, he went down on my genitals. Later he came up to me to do the same thing. I literally felt like crying. I shut my mouth as tight as I could. He got scared when he realised that I wasn’t actually asleep and ran away.

I went to my home and cleaned myself from his smell while crying all this time. I felt wet in my anus so I touched it and found something sticky. I was too young to know what that was. After that day I never talked to him.

I got to know about the word - RAPE much later. I thought that it was something done only to girls. Surprisingly, Crime Patrol (a TV show) helped me when it showed an episode about the rape of a minor boy. But understanding my situation didn’t go well with me. I cried for weeks and felt unsafe with any guy around me.

Today, I just wish that I was educated about the right and wrong touches, and sex. I hope no one has to go through what i did.

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