Navigating Through Genders

Updated: Sep 25, 2020

Story of Aakash Sinha

Ever since I gained the consciousness of the world I enjoyed my solitude. I would think, dream and estimate. I would estimate the span of time that I needed to cover, to have another human life. I was told this at a very young age that as per Hindu philosophy, we are blessed with many life cycles until we attain moksha. As a kid, I never wanted moksha, I simply wanted another life as a female, as a woman. It was just a desire, untainted by any conscious decision or philosophy; it was just the way I felt as a kid.

That afternoon I was alone and watching TV at home, I happened to tune in National Geographic Channel. I was thirteen years old back then and for me, shows like V Get Gorgeous or any update on beauty pageant or models would be more thrilling than any wildlife show. But that day National Geographic was telecasting a show on sexualities and gender. I watched the preview as I tuned in and it made me anxious because I knew, it had something to do with me on a very serious note, especially the last segment of the show where they were about to feature transgender people and their sex reassignment surgery.

But just as the show started, there was load shedding, which is still so rampant in U.P. and especially in my small hometown that whenever there is power cut, we would wait for hours unquestioningly. There were no inverters. But that day it was so annoying for me that I almost cried. Miraculously few minutes later, power was back and it was just the right moment; they were telecasting the last segment!

For the first time in my life I got to see and know about people who were like me. I had a sense of belonging. But they looked different. The image I had in my mind about me being a girl (a stereotypical image) was different from what they were in real. I was in peace to realize that I am not the only one to feel the way I feel but a sense of restlessness was also there as I was venturing on an unknown journey, different from my imagination but closer to my desire. But eventually I don’t know why but a sense of relief overpowered my restlessness.

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