Masturbation or a mistake

Updated: Sep 17, 2020

Story By: Anonymous

I am from a girls' school and I discovered my clit and the big O at the age of 11, without knowing what it was. So, when I was 12 (class 7), the time when you learn about all the 'Haww' stuff from the wrong sources, I heard about 'masturbation' from a few friends, who had also added parts about putting carrots/cucumber inside. I was naive enough to admit to my ‘closest’ friends what I had experienced maybe a couple of times till then.

Wrong decision! It became school gossip. Senior girls started coming to my class inquiring about who I was. I became a joke. People would come to me asking me if I was ---- (making dirty hand gestures). I was moved to a different section in class 8, probably because my teachers heard of it. I couldn't tell my parents about what was happening. I was treated like someone dirty. I didn't have the courage to accept or deny the rumor. My peers asked me if I need 'leg piece', I don't even know how that even makes any sense.

I stayed in the same school till class 12 and was only able to gain some courage and confidence by doing well academically and becoming a school representative. Also, I stopped caring. But, throughout my teenage years, masturbation was something dirty for me. I would stop myself from doing it for years at a go. It was only in my final years in school, that I finally found acceptance with a few people, who are still my friends.

My boyfriend of 6 years taught me to express myself sexually. But I was still very afraid to step ahead sexually. Because of certain things that happened to me. I refused to have sex and lose my virginity before marriage. I got married at almost 27. I couldn't do it for a month because it was so painful, still is.

But I have come to terms with my school life. Could things have been better? Could I have been a happier person? Could I have become a more social and less introverted and paranoid person.

I have thought about suicide, I have battled depression, and I still have insecurities. School was mostly unbearable. I don't know what could have been different, but something could have been.

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