It's never too late to stop suffering in silence

Updated: Jun 29, 2021

Narrated by Ajani,

Written by Epcita.

When we’re a teenager, sometimes people tell us to enjoy our lives then, because they claim that adulthood is often scary. What nobody tells us is that our school days won’t be all flowery and glittery either. Sometimes we meet the devils when we’re young. And sometimes, those devils are as young as us, and can be found within our closest friends.

When I was just hitting teenage, I had a best friend, who bullied me in a lot of ways, but she justified everything under the labels “prank” or “joke”. There occurred a lot of small incidents in the ocean of those “pranks” that she continuously pulled against me.

As a young kid who was confused and trying to make friends, I thought that the best way to tackle this was to silently tolerate, and even worse, laugh along.

But one night, things turned upside down for me. One of my classmates sent me a screenshot of the messages he had received from my social media account. Someone had hacked into my account! Using my identity, they posted statuses that were horrible and disgusting. A number of my friends had received vile images and messages.

After a lot of panic, I was able to retrieve my account back. The next day after that night which looked like a horror movie on my computer screen, I went to school and found out that all my friends were ignoring me. Amongst them was also my best friend, who openly accused me of deliberately posting those vile statuses and messages.

I reflected a lot about who could be responsible for this mishap, and then I remembered that I had shared my password with my best friend, a few months ago.

I tried explaining and justifying, but it was all in vain. I knew my account was hacked, and that other students were also aware of this. However, nobody stood for me, or with me and I was isolated.

The idea of going to school started to haunt me. I got very scared of stepping out of my house. Whenever I felt numb and had a desire to escape, I started to cut my hands and sooner than I realized, it became a habit.

There were a lot of times when I got suicidal ideations. One day, my then 8 years old brother and I were sitting on the rooftop of my house. He was talking to me but I wasn’t able to pay attention to his words. I kept staring below on the ground.

Next moment, I suddenly got up and stood at the edge of the rooftop, with my brother looking at me, taken aback. I had planned to jump, but didn’t step forward. Sometimes, taking a step back is the solution.

Finally, I decided to change schools and to my good luck, built new and amazing friendships. However, I continued to self-harm, and got panic attacks, every once a while ,but this time, I had people around me who supported me and did not make me feel like I was alone.

My habit of self-harm did reduce but it didn’t stop, until one day, my close friend got admitted to a hospital. She was diagnosed with a condition, where her pain only got worse each day. Due to the pain, she would continuously screech and cry, and all I could do was be a witness to her pain.

But seeing her in pain, and her reaction towards that pain, made me realize the gravity that physical pain can go to, which I was inflicting onto myself. That very moment, I decided to be kinder to my body, and to understand that dying by suicide wouldn’t take away my pain, it would just transfer it on the shoulders of my close ones.

As I grew, I learnt to love myself enough to not suffer in silence. I have made some incredible friends now, understood the importance of having a family, fell in love with people, but most importantly, learnt to love my body and to not subject it to pain, regardless of whatever comes my way.

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