I sought love but found fear

Story by Anonymous

When I was in my 10th standard I developed a crush on someone I met at church meetings, it soon turned to a relationship through one of our mutual friends. As I was a priest’s daughter and thus supposed to be immune to such human emotions as premarital love, I asked my partner to keep it a secret. But many people in our churches found out about us through him.

It was the first of many things that warned me of the toxic relationship I was in. With time I realized that the stories he told about himself were always incomplete. Through our mutual friend, I learned that there were more to his stories and him. I also started fearing him as I gradually lost my opinions in our relationship, a fear that still hasn’t left me.

I carried on with the relationship for a year until my mother found out and I was forced to break up with him. All the people who were aware of our relationship pointed their fingers at me, whose accusations fed my already growing guilt from which the only respite was self-harming. When he approached me after another year with assuring words and concerns, I thought I will find my redemption.

The second part of our relationship started with two conditions of his: 1) our relationship should be kept a secret, 2) if we break up again he would come home and make trouble. The first time I noticed something was wrong, was when my calls with him gradually went from an hour to 10 minutes to unanswered.

The only days he would pick up my calls to satisfy his sexual needs, were on Thursdays when my parents weren’t home. This went on for two months until all kinds of communication stopped from his side. By then my self-esteem had crashed, my worth reduced to his needs because I felt that it was all I was good for.

I desperately wanted to meet him personally one more time and he agreed to meet me on the last day of my 12th exam. That day I couldn’t meet him because he had gone to another city. It took me another year to find out that the second time we got back together he was already in a relationship and the day he promised to meet me he had gone to propose to her. It has been 3 years since having that knife of betrayal cut me too.

It took me a long time to realize how toxic our relationship was but by then it was too late, I gave too much time for guilt and fear to fester in the wounds made. I am afraid of walking in my own hometown, afraid that I will meet him or one of his friends. I am afraid of trusting others and therefore it is difficult for me to make or maintain relationships. I am also scared that I will destroy the relationships I have, be it with my friends, family or anyone so I am quick to take blames and quicker to apologize.

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