I don't belong in here

Story by Ananya Verma

I had always been good at writing with many accomplishments in my baggage and perceived myself as a writer but had never thought that having this dream would lead me towards the dungeon of depression.

I come from a highly educated family background imposing immense academic pressure on me, with my younger brother securing good marks which, I could never do. And when it came to my passion, the dream of becoming a writer got shattered before it could even bloom, as my “My brown” parents never thought of it as a promising career option. Despite my many rebellious efforts, they couldn’t understand me, and ultimately, I had to give in to opt for a career of their choice. They wanted to see me achieving stability in life, which was completely justified but, in their pursuit, they ignorantly planted a seed of mental illness within me.

The first two years of college felt like hell, as I found myself at a place where I never belonged. I had always foreseen myself studying literature, but here I was, preparing assignments and presenting PPTs purposelessly and with no inner strength and motivation. I went spiralling down into a state of victimhood as I was not ready to accept the ‘present’ of my life. No matter how hard I tried to settle down but, a part of me always kept on pulling me back as if whispering to me that I wasn’t allowed to be happy.

After struggling with depression for two years, I went into therapy. Although there was an initial discomfort as I felt sceptical in opening up about my life before a stranger and what really cheered me up was the relatability in my therapist’s life story as to how he also had gone through a similar life struggle. Seeing my therapist doing well in life, despite having been gone through a challenging life phase similar to mine, made me aware that the place I am stuck in is not the end rather, it’s just a part of the bigger picture.

Depression had just crawled under my skin with no prior intimation and started to consume me from within. For me, the evident effects of being depressed were, seeing my best friend distancing himself because of my constant call for help, degradation of my grades, and getting into drinking, further deteriorating my physical health as well. I needed help but, the people whom I could have reached out to were the very same people who had put me through this trauma. There’s always a saturation point in life when we have to gather up the courage and take a step back towards our inner-selves, to make our lives worth more than that just about our struggles but of something more inclusive and happening. And, this phase was that point in my life.

There’s no denying of the fact that I came out as a better person from the therapy. The most crucial takeaway from my session was that it made me comfortable with my inner-self, the part of me which was victimized by the continuous challenges. As far as my relationship with parents is concerned, it has healed and only gotten better with time and, it helped us to understand each other better. On my request, my parents agreed for a diploma in literature and I also have restarted my abandoned blog but, still, sometimes I think that life would have been a little merrier if my parents would have put my happiness ahead of society’s expectations.

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