Finding Support Online
I was born in Pune in an orthodox Punjabi family. Right from the beginning, I was always an effeminate kid. Like many other gay kids, I sometimes used to cross dress too. I was a fat kid too which put me at the receiving end of a lot of hatred. I was not only beaten up at home quite often but I was also bullied in school. I would often have a lot of scars and bruises on my body.
As a result, I distanced myself from everybody and stopped talking altogether. Even in school, I sat alone because my teachers complained that I had 'adjustment issues' with my classmates. I didn't even realise when I went into depression. But, now that I look back, I realise that I have been depressed since the age of 11. I had built strong walls around me that I would never let anyone else enter.
This further led to a lot of issues. I grew up with a hundred insecurities, and in self-denial, because I felt cursed with my sexuality. I fell into the trap of horrible men who would berate me and body shame me. I was looking for love and acceptance from others when I couldn’t do that to my own self.
Simultaneously, a lot of people I knew closely had begun opening up about their issues on social media. It was surprising to know that they had been through so much. This persuaded me to open up about my own issues and to put my own opinions out there. Last year, I began opening up about my depression and resentment that I had faced in society. I got an overwhelming response from everyone. Also since I was talking about my effeminacy, it was a step towards coming out to my family and friends
I am a very private person and some people felt bewildered to see me open up like that. But then It provided me with a support system that was otherwise missing or dormant in my life. It became a big part of my healing process. I helped me accept myself and see different perspectives of society.
Before coming out, I used to curse my life and sexuality. Although I am still healing and it takes a great amount of effort to not let myself fall into that pit of depression again. But, I am anyway a better person than I have been for most of my life.