Fighting my Impulses
Updated: Sep 23, 2020
Story By: Sherry
I've been struggling with Borderline Personality Disorder and Generalised Anxiety Disorder for many years now.
I remember that I started having wild mood swings in 2014 but I shrugged them off back then. But in 2015, my mood began fluctuating with the snap of the fingers from deep sadness to sudden joy and vice versa. My impulsive behaviour became my worst enemy. It made me resort to self-harm, self-medication via alcohol, prescription drug abuse, and even sex. I tried therapy, but that didn't work and eventually, I had to go to a doctor and take medicines.
I realised I was bottling up a lot, but most of all, I wasn't able to understand what was going on with me. There were days when I used to take a metro to go to college but sometimes I would just stop halfway and go somewhere else. In fact, in my final year of college, I hardly attended any lectures - only 5 days a year.
In March this year, I was taken to a hospital for in-patient care for 15 days. I had an episode with my doctor one day, where I had wild mood swings and I was crying and he just left me thereafter I had asked him to help me. So on an impulse, I used a pencil and scratched myself with it. I ended up creating a scene. But, since that incident, I kind of accepted my fate.
Both these disorders have rendered me unable to do a lot of things. But, I used to be a lot worse before, and thankfully, I'm getting much better now, controlling some impulses and acting on some. Even though I've come a long way, I’ve miles to go before I can call myself mentally healthy. I know I'm impatient, but I keep telling myself that what I need is to have faith in myself.
And even though I never thought I'd say this, I'm actually very thankful for medications. With BPD, medication is always experimentation. Once you find the ones that suit you, you're good to go. I'm one of the few lucky ones who found people who took my condition seriously and supported me every step of the way. There are a lot of people who don’t get the same response and acceptance and support. But they’re not alone. We’re not alone.