Updated: Sep 23, 2020
Story By: Shambhavi Tiwari
My past has, unfortunately, never ceased to define my future and my present by imposing specific constraints on my personality. In the background of years of domestic violence and parental separation,I always imposed upon myself a burden of responsibility, being the elder child. I always strived to be the best, so much so, that the fire of passion and vengeance within me began to burn my spirit and peace down. I was never comfortable with males, and could never make a lasting friend at school, owing to my inevitable and entirely undesirable reservations. My teachers always told me that my academic brilliance kept people away from me. I never wanted that.
Descending into college,I became even more studious and began self harming in the second semester. With a heart full of longing and a hand covered in blood and scars, I longed for someone to cling to, someone to confide in, someone to be with. Guess that was too much to ask for or to expect from humans. The two people I expected support from, the two primary friendships in my life, abandoned me unexpectedly to fend for myself. I won't mention genders or other specificities, as these trivialities hold no significance for me when it comes to friendships.
The struggles took toll. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and gradually I have started recovering. It hasn't been easy so everyday seems like a victory, every interaction in a crowd seems like a battle won, yes, I am winning, because I have been defeated. I am realising that I am beautiful, because I have embraced my imperfections. I love animals and my maa who are the only ones to deserve my love and a place in my solace. Still,if you are going through this, it is NOT COWARDICE. It is NOT SOMETHING DIRECTED AT GATHERING ATTENTION. You do deserve UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP. And yes,YOU ARE STILL BEAUTIFUL. And finally, IT WILL PASS. YOU WILL FIND WHAT IS BETTER,THAN PAIN.YOU WILL. -Love, a survivor